“Adventures of a Would Be Porn Star”

I was at the 96th street subway station, transferring to the uptown one train from the two, when I saw my boy Wane on the platform. Wane was the first graffiti writer I ever met, long before I even knew how to spell Psycho. We pounded fists.

“Yo Bee, what’s up?” Wane asked.

“Chilling yo, what’s up with you?”

“Been doing some pieces with Wips, Dash and Gets on the roof tops all along the two line. Bombed that shit!” Wane answered. The year was 1987.

A brief rush of excitement fell over me.

“That’s right! I’ve seen your shit on my way to Seen’s house!”

“Cool. If you want, call me and we’ll do some roof tops.”

“Bet!”

I probably wouldn’t, but having the option was nice. The uptown one train’s headlights shined bigger and brighter at it approached the station from within the tunnel. Wane fished out a card from his wallet and handed it to me.

“Yo Bee, take this. It’s to do porno movies in the Bronx. They pay 500 dollars a day, but you have to bring your own girl because of the AIDS thing.”

I looked at the cheap looking card. It read something like “J.R. Productions-XXX, 212-555-FUCK. This was in 1986, when the Bronx still shared the same area code as Manhattan.

“You do porn?”

“Nah bee, but I figure I might as well pass off the connection.”

“Good looking out!” I slapped Wane five and got on my train.

The only porn I’ve been exposed to was Midnight Blue and the Ugly George Show on late night cable. I’ve stolen plenty of skin magazines as a kid though. The thought about ever doing porn never crossed my mind. The more I thought about it, the more it appealed to me. I fucked for free on a daily basis, how awesome would it be to get paid for it? Now only that, but a porno tape would be proof of my extra extraordinary sex skills. I would leak it out to where I knew the right girls-the girls I wanted to fuck- would see, to entice them to fuck me. After I gave myself credit for being a genius, I played with different stage names to go by.  I couldn’t decide between Vinny Fat Cocks or Vince La Cock.  I grinned like a fool through out the entire train ride, barely noticing the people looking at me like I was crazy.

Once home, I walked into my aunt’s room. She and my girlfriend, Laura laid on their fat stomachs watching the Oprah, sharing a bag of chips. I caught my aunt keeping score of who was eating most of the chips. The two hung out together just about every day. And everyday without fail, my aunt warned me that Laura was a no good whore who wasn’t any good for me. Laura spat back that my aunt was a jealous old horny bitch. Since my aunt couldn’t offer specific reasons why Laura was a whore, I agreed with Laura, that my aunt was probably jealous, old and horny.

I caught them off guard and smacked them both on the ass as hard as I could. Of course, only I found this funny. I didn’t even wait for them to finish calling me an asshole and a dick before I held up the porno business card.

Enough of that!  I’m going to be a famous porn star!

“What the hell you’re talking about? Pornstar? Are you retarded or what?” Laura snapped.

“You too!” I informed her. “We’re going to get paid for what we like doing best! Fucking!”

“Hey, have a little respect!” My aunt demanded.

“Take it easy there.”

“Don’t tell me to take it easy. Why do you want to do something like that? That’s not a good thing.” My aunt continued with me.

“It pays 500 bucks a day, that’s why.”

Both Laura’s and my aunt’s eyes lit up. Look at these money grubbing bitches, I thought to myself.

“Let me see that card.” My aunt took the card from me and examined it.

“555-FUCK.” She repeated the number, in an effort to memorize it.

She passed the card back to me.

$500 dollars a day!  We could make up to six thousand dollars a week!

My aunt looked alive. “Really? Do it. What the hell?”

Not that I was waiting on her blessing. I picked up the phone and dialed. The most cliché “heavy breathing pervert/horror movie killer” voice in the world came out of the phone.

“Helloooo.”

The voice was so cliché it threw me off. I thought that maybe some kind of Candid Camera prank being played on me. I looked around the room and studied both Laura’s and my aunt’s faces.

“Hello?” I responded, sounding confused, I’m sure. “I’m calling about…..”

“Doing some adult film work?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

“Do you have a girlfriend that you work with? You know, fuck!”

“Uh huh.” I, of all people, was getting the creeps.

“Is she hot?” porn man wanted to know.

I checked Laura out, just to be positive.

“Yeah, she’s pretty hot!” I affirmed.

Laura grinned and nodded her head in agreement. My aunt made a face.

“Okay. That’s what I like to hear.” Porn man sounded delighted. “Does she have big, nice tits?”

“Yes, she does. You know who she looks like?” I felt the need to let this jerk know something.

“Who?”

“She looks like a Puerto Rican wonder woman! You know, from the TV show back in the day.”

“Yeah!” he agreed. “Lynda Carter was a hot piece of ass!”

“There you go!”

“You’re a lucky man! I can’t wait to film you fuck her. You got a big cock?”

Creeps ran through my entire body.

“Yo, are you gay or something?”

“No, but as hot as your girlfriend may be, nobody wants to see her get fucked by a three inch dick.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that!”

“That’s all I wanted to know.

“There’s a shoot tomorrow. You’re coming?”

“Sure.”

“Got a pen?”

I took all the necessary information. Afterwards Laura and I retreated to my room, where I held her from behind, posing for myself in the mirror, getting into the porn character I would play.

I unzipped my pants and took out my dick.

“Suck my cock…Bitch!”

Laura slapped me across the face. She caught me on the nose and tears involuntarily came to my eyes.

“What the fuck!” I yelled, wanting to deck her.

“Don’t talk to me like that!”

“I was just acting!!! Jesus Christ!”

“Well…don’t act like that with me.”

I looked in the mirror. My eyes and nose had swelled up, a look that ate away at my porn mojo.

Laura broke out laughing. I glared at her with the craziest eyes I could make. This made her laugh harder. She was the only person who didn’t take my “crazy eyes” all that seriously.

She tried to give me a hug. I pushed her off.

“Nah!” Fuck you. For real!”

“Come on Baby! Don’t be like that with me?” She pleaded with giggles spilling out her mouth.

“I’m serious, Laura. I don’t play that disrespecting with the hands shit with my girls.” I started to take myself seriously.

“Baby!”

“Baby nothing! If I let you get away with this, then what kind of message would I be giving you? That’s its okay to hit me? I don’t think so.”

I had miraculously trained Laura to remain quiet whenever I decided to get into preaching mode. I couldn’t stop her from acting bored though.

“You know what? I don’t like your attitude. It’s over!”

“What do you want me to do?” She pleaded. I thought about it as I looked at my swollen nose in the mirror. I had secret nose issues.

“You know you fucked up. Right?”

“I know, I know. What do you want me to do?”

I glanced at my crotch and looked her in the eyes.

“Suck my cock, bitch!”

I couldn’t believe that she actually did it.

The next day, Laura and I went to Brooke Avenue in the Bronx. Laura grew up nearby in the Hunts Point section. Still, I didn’t like that she knew so many random guys that we passed in the street. I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them she had fucked.

Laura and I found the address. At first it was hard to tell whether the building was abandoned or not. From outside, very few windows looked occupied. Glancing inside, you could see that the first floor hallway didn’t have any light except for what shone from the second floor. Laura and I looked at each other. Neither one of us weren’t very sure about this.

“We came all the way here. We might as well check it out” Laura rationalized.

I held Laura’s hand tight and we walked into the dark, sketchy building. There were doors open, revealing dirty, empty apartments. From my peripheral view, I thought I saw shadows darting about inside one of the vacant apartments.

There was an occupied apartment with its door open for anybody to see within. It was lighted, evidence that there was electricity running through the building from somewhere. The apartment corridor was painted school bus yellow that lead to the doorway of a bright orange kitchen. A short, box shaped woman in a cheap house dress with straight jet black hair pulled into a pony tail. She was frying food in a pan. She turned to look at us with bored, depressed and tired eyes.

The porn apartment was the first one up the next flight of stairs. I put an ear next to the door and heard movement inside, but nothing audible enough to make out. We looked at each other, both skeptical, but curious none the less. I rapped on the door with my knuckles. We waited for a response, but none came. Laura and I looked at each other. I knocked again. No answer. I tried the door knob, it almost fell off, but the door opened. We saw in, through a short hallway and into a living room. A young Latino couple sat on a pair of folding chairs. They looked at us with grinding jaws.

“You know them too?” I sarcastically asked Laura.

“Jerk!”

A chubby curly hair, middle aged man with a mustache peeped into view. He waved for us to come in and cued us to shut the door behind us.  Laura grabbed on to my arm, and we entered the living room. It reminded me of so many Latino apartments I have seen with plastic covered furniture and ugly linoleum floors.

The Latino couple was nervous and coked up looking. They weren’t very attractive. 

A man was filming a bi-racial couple from the entrance of a bed room. Laura and I were able to watch from where we stood. A tall black guy was eating a chunky white girl out from behind.  The camera man positioned himself to get a close-up of the girl’s vagina. Laura and I looked at each other, wanting to laugh.

“He’s all up in it!’ Laura giggled. I shushed her.

The couple changed positions. The black guy took off his jeans. His flaccid dick almost touched his knees. Laura’s eyes widen.

“What the fuck?”

A whirlwind of emotions were going on inside of me. I felt jealous, angry and a bit inadequate. 

“You like that? You fucking bitch!” I couldn’t help myself.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” I lied, pouting.

“Oh brother! Like you don’t be looking at other bitches?”

“I never look at other bitches!” I snapped back, not remembering that I got busted at least once a day checking other girls out.

Laura stared at me in disbelief.

“You’re fucking crazy!”

Right then, the black guy gave Laura the eye. Laura knew I caught this, but couldn’t help the smirk on her face.

“Keep it up!” I warned.

“What?” Laura forged innocence.

The sleazy man approached us.

“Hi. How are you guys doing?” He asked, as he checked Laura out, attention emphasized on her breasts. From his breathy voice, I knew it was the guy I spoke with over the phone.

“I called yesterday. My name is Vincent. This is my girlfriend Laura”

He leered at Laura.

“Hi Laura. You’re a beauty. Great tits!”

Laura loved compliments from just about anyone who would give her one, but not from this guy. She grabbed onto my arm tight.

“Thanks.” Laura responded, avoiding eye contact.

“You’re a lucky guy. You must have a big cock.”

I considered what I just saw.

“I’m alright.”

“He’s has a very nice dick.” Laura confirmed. I instantly loved her again.

Just then, a woman screamed from somewhere within the apartment. It didn’t sound like a scream of joy. Laura and I looked around, trying to determine where the scream came from.

“Can I see your cock?”

This threw me off.

“I’m not going to show you my dick!”

“Why not? I’m going to see it anyway when you guys film.”

He had a point, but still.

“Then you’ll see it when we film.”

“I could live with that. You guys do blow?”

Laura didn’t hesitate to nod yes.

“I got some of the best. Want?”

“Maybe, later!” I jumped in before Laura could say yes. I didn’t want to feel that I had any obligations to this guy.

There was sudden loud, angry sounding on the door. It startled me and threw me off. The police was the first thing that came to my mind.

“Who the hell is banging on my door like that?” Sleazy guy screamed as he walked towards the door. A male voice answered Me.

“Who the fuck is me?” He swung open the door. An orange haired little man was standing there with some crack head chick.

“Oh shit!” the words just flew out my mouth. I looked at Laura.

“It’s a fucking midget!” I laughed.

“Julius!” The sleazy man knew the little red headed guy. He sized up the crack head chick. She was one of the most unfuckable things I ever seen in my life.

“And is this your date for the afternoon?” Sleazy man wanted to know.

“Yeah.” The little man waddled towards us. As he entered the living room, he nodded ‘What’s up?” to me in a tough guy fashion. I bit the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing. I didn’t want to chance a midget kicking my ass. I nodded my head.

“You see something funny?” He had a whole bunch of bandages on the inside of his forearms. It didn’t occur to me that he was a heroin addict.

I shook my head no.

“I thought so.” The little man entered the bathroom.

“You let a midget chump you?” asked Laura, shocked.

“It’s a fucking midget for Christ’s sake! You want me to fuck the poor little guy up?”

His stanky crack head girlfriend passed by, smiling at us. Her teeth were rotten and she had pock marks all over her face and body. The smell of dirty, rotten ass trailed behind her. I almost threw up right then and there.

“Fuck this! We’re out.” I took Laura by the hand and headed for the door.

The Sleazy man came out one of the rooms. “Where are you going?”

“We’re leaving!” I shouted back.

“Wait! Please.” He sounded desperate.

“What?”

“Don’t go!” He pleaded.

“This is a fucking crack house!”

“I’ll pay you more money!” He took a wad of money and peeled off hundred dollar bills. I wondered if he was strapped with a gun. There was only one way to find out.

“How much?” I asked, then immediately told Laura to meet me in front of the building. I gave her crazy eyes to insure that she did as I told her.

“600!” He offered. “Hey, don’t let her go!”

“Don’t worry about her, motherfucker!”

I grabbed him with both hands behind his neck and yanked his head down, smashing him in the face with my knee. To make sure that this was effective, I did it again.

“What did I do?”

I decided that if he could talk, he could probably reach for a gun, so I smashed him one more time with my knee. As he was hunched over, holding his bloody face, I brought my elbow crashing down on his cervical spine. He dropped to his knees. I snatched the money he held and went through his pockets, pissed that they were so tight. I found some more money and an aluminum foil package, which I knew was coke.

The red head midget came to the door.

“What the fuck!”

Oh shit! I thought to myself, the midget! I darted down the stairs and out the building to find Laura.  We hurried around the corner where she said hello to some guy in a car.

“You know him?

“Yeah, that’s Louie.”

“Tell him that I’ll give him twenty dollars to take us to Washington Heights.

Louie was happy to drive us to Washington Heights for twenty bucks. Laura and I brought a Polaroid camera and that night locked our selves in my room and sniffed all the coke while we took a ridiculous amount of indecent Polaroid pictures. I sometimes wonder where those pictures are today.

Posted on January 12, 2008 at 06:29 PM   |   Previous Entry   |   Next Entry   |   Entry List   |   Email Entry   |    Digg

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