“Revenge of the Love Tape”

I don’t think I ever met a man with a bigger pair of testicles before or since. He was the only Asian inmate at the Albert C. Wagner Youth Correctional Facility and in three weeks, he inspired the scorn of everybody on my tier. The Black guys hated him because he was better at Spades and tossing dice and won all their cigarettes and bragged about it for hours afterwards. The white guys didn’t like him because he would pour his dirty laundry water on them from his wash bucket while they took showers and told them to shut the fuck up when they complained. The Latin guys didn’t fuck with him period and advised me to do the same. I couldn’t help but like the kid. He was an Asian Muslim who called himself Faloof and dressed in Nikes Air Force Ones. He had a tail extending from his push back hair style; he rapped, beat boxed, electric boogie and talked a good one. He was worth endless hours of entertainment…until now. Now I wanted to kill him.

“Faloof…You motherfucker!” You better wake up with your boots on! I screamed through my cell window after night lock up.

“Yo money, shut the fuck up. I’m trying to sleep! My rap is way better than any bullshit that bitch is talking about anyway. That bitch is sucking big monkey cock right now!” Faloof yelled back at me.

Other inmates, including Eddie disguised their voice to mock me.

Laura! Laura! I love you Laura!

She’s back here sucking my big monkey cock. Oh Laaaaura!

This enraged me even more. Even though I was helpless to do anything, I put on my fight clothes. Cut off khaki shorts over thermal bottoms, a white tee-shirt and a pair of work boots. I paced my 12 X 8 feet depressed cell like a caged animal. To torture myself even more, I pressed play on my radio. Laura’s voice came on over Heat waves “Always and Forever.”

“Vincent, I love you more than life. If only I could turn back the hands of---Faloof’s voice replaced her with his beat boxing and rapping--- One Two, my name is Faloof…..

I scream and slammed my radio on the floor , succeeding in destroying my main source of entertainment. I collapsed on my bunk and cried in rage and frustration. I was nine months into my 5 to 15 sentence and the only remnant I had of my first true love was gone. I would never see Laura and now hear Laura again. At least that’s what I thought. Little did I know, she would be back on my dick upon my release. But that’s a whole different story.

To say that I was heartbroken was an understatement. My heart and soul was destroyed. Laura was my best friend and lover. We spent every moment we could together and within one day, she was taken away from me. And all I had to do was think about her, day in and day out. Of all the traumatic experiences I’ve ever suffered, how was I to know that this was the one that would take me years to recover from. Life would never be the same. Fucking bitches.

I fell asleep sometime during the night, but darted out of bed when I heard our cellblock officers walk through the corridor, unlocking the doors with jingling keys.  When he got to my door, he peeked through my square window.

Whar’s up, Mayta? You’re up early today.

It ain’t nothing, dude. I said trying to playing nonchalant through gritted teeth. He looked at me with suspicious eyes. I waited for him to finished unlocking everybody and disappear into his station. It was still dark. I snuck and entered Faloof’s cell. I whispered.

Get the fuck up, motherfucker!

I shook him.

Get up.

He lazily sat up and rubbed his eyes without a care in the world.

Get the fuck up!

Faloof reached for his sneakers as he said…

I see I have to give you an early morning beat down.

That was too much for me. I didn’t even think. I hit him with no less than thirty hooks, all trying to penetrate his cranium. A Columbian guy named Jorge rushed in and took me off of him.

Vincent, what are you doing? You want to go to the hole?

I don’t give a fuck about the hole. I want to kill him! This was anger speaking. I had done nearly 90 days in solitary confinement at the start of my sentence. It’s safe to say that I probably lost a nice little chunk of my sanity there. I didn’t want anything to do with the hole.

Even though Faloof’s face was swollen and lumps were forming on his forehead before my eyes, he still talked shit.

You hit like a pussy!

I went to attack him again. Somebody called for Eddie. Eddie came in and yoked me up from behind. Eddie was my co-defendant and best friend. He’s also twice my size and weighed about a hundred pounds more than me, so I was trapped in his yoke hold.

Get the fuck off me!

Psycho! Stop. You’re bugging again. How is Pilar going to feel in you go to the hole. Come on, man.

Okay. Okay.

I pointed at Faloof and looked dead him in the eyes.

I was the only one that was cool with you and this is how you do me. I’m going to get you. You better believe that shit, cocksucker!

I went into the TV room and proceeded to tell everybody. Most everybody knew about Laura. I had become a running joke because of her.

Not Laura!

Yeah, that motherfucker rapped over my love tape that she sent me. My love tape!

He crossed the line now, son.

He did! He did!

As much as they liked to tease me, it seemed that they had genuine concern for me. Everybody knew that tape was my prized possession. I listened to it nonstop, along with “Careless Whispers” and reminiscing about the many nights we spent together. It didn’t help that nobody liked Faloof either. A tier meeting was called. Faloof tried to join, but everybody told him to get the fuck out of here. He knew something was up.

Smithy came up with the plan. After lunch, I was to take Faloof to his cell for a man to man talk. Half my tier would hide in the cell to the right of his. The other 15 would hide on the left side cell. Once I got him in, we would all bum rush him and fuck him up. I thought it was ingenious. How can that go wrong? Everybody got their revenge and it brought us all a little closer as a unit, which is rare for so many guys to get down for the same cause in prison.

For the remainder of the morning, Faloof brought a chair and sat by the gate by the correction officer’s station. He did not leave once, not even to take a piss.

After lunch, was afternoon count. During count, inmates are required to stand by their door to be counted. There are not to be any movement in the prison during this time until all the counts are tallied up and the administration knows that nobody has escaped. It takes roughly twenty to thirty minutes. Faloof cell was across the hall in front of mine, so we were face each other.

Yo Faloof, after count I want to talk to you in your cell.

Get the fuck out of here. Talk to me in front of the officers station.

You scared?

I ain’t scared. But I ain’t stupid. I know all you pussy ass niggas are scheming to get me.

Nah, man. I wanna make the peace. We were boys. What the fuck?

You’re pussy whipped, man. You want to kill me over some bitch.

Nah, I’m over that. You have any Cinnamon Toast Crunch left?

Yeah, why?

If you hit me off with what you got. I’ll let it slide.

Really?

Really. Besides, it’s true that bitch is out there sucking big monkey dick. Just like your girl is. Right?

You crazy. I got a good girl. I popped the cherry and the whole shit. She’ll never cheat or leave me.

Don’t be so sure of that. Anyway, are you going to give me some Cinnamon Toast Crunch or what?

Then we’re good?

Yeah.

Say word is born.

I don’t have to say word is born.

I’ll give you the Toast Crunch. I have to take a leak first. After the officer counted us, Faloof went into the bathroom/showers. Every body scattered in the two cells opposite his. It was hard to keep the smirk off my face. Faloof came back and we entered his cell. My back was to the entrance. Within seconds, the room was flooded with my co-inmates. I immediately got knocked down and cracked my head on Faloof’s iron bed post. Eddie and some others dragged me out of the jailhouse mosh pit. We went to my cell to look at the damage. It was a small gash extending from a previous childhood scar.

Fuck. What am I going to do?

Bruises and wounds are a tell-tale sign of fighting and could land you in the hole.

I don’t know. Let’s get a bandage.

A bandage’s not going to work. Who has a thread and needle?

Are you crazy?

I’m not going back to the hole.

Meanwhile, Faloof was being beaten half to death. Soon everybody exited Faloofs cell. I could see him on the floor in convulsions. I felt like a dick. He kept on repeating himself, “They got me! They got me!….

I covered my gash with a bandanna and immediately felt sleepy. I passed out. In retrospect, I realize I must have had a concussion.  Internal Affairs woke me up. They were there to question everybody. Faloof was sent to Saint Francis hospital in Trenton, New Jersey.

As the Internal Affairs guy questioned me in his cheap suit, my gash bleed and blood dripped down my face. This bugged the man out.

What happen to you?

I was doing dumbbell bench presses and I caught a cramp and hit myself with the weight.

That’s one of the best ones I’ve ever heard in my career here.

It’s true, I said visualizing the scenario so I could believe it myself.

It hurt a lot.

Why didn’t you go to infirmary?

I was afraid they would send me to get snitches.

A big, strong guy like you?

Believe or not. Listen I was sleeping when that stuff happened with Faloof.  I feel bad for him. He was cool.

The Internal Affairs guy dismissed me.

For weeks I listened to the first 20 seconds of Laura’s love tape over and over again. Faloof eventually came back to Albert C. Wagner. He didn’t rat anybody out. He just said he didn’t know what happened. Because of this he wasn’t put in protective custody. He was just put in a different tier.

Months later I saw him in the visit hall with his girlfriend. She was a hot, but sweet looking Asian chick. They were making out. I approached them. I waved to my God mother and god sister Lily that I’ll be right there.

Hey Faloof, what’s up?

Faloof looked extremely uncomfortable, as did his girlfriend.

This is that nice girl you told me about. Hi, my nice is Vincent.

I shook her hand.

Faloof told me all about you. You’re very nice looking.

I addressed Faloof, You’re a lucky guy, dude.

You look smart. You go to school?

Faloof spoke. What do you want?

I’m just saying hello. I can’t say hello?

I go to Rugters.

Nice. Very nice.

I had a scholarship to Cooper Union.

What happened?

I got my priorities twisted.

Too bad.

You can say that again. Listen, you look like a very nice girl with a future. There’s something you should know about your boyfriend.

I had her undivided attention.

Nightly, he’s forced to perform fellatio on a gang of black guys on our tier, and I suspect other things as well. He could be infected with the virus. Take care of yourself.

What’s fellatio? Faloof wanted to know.

You tell him. I walked to my visit, hugged and kissed everybody and sat down. Ten minutes later, Faloof’s girlfriend stormed out of the visit hall in tears. I made eye contact with Faloof and winked.

Posted on December 06, 2007 at 09:35 AM   |   Previous Entry   |   Next Entry   |   Entry List   |   Email Entry   |    Digg

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